Not Quite Salt or Pepper
by KiwiDoughnuts
Summary: Kakashi is not happy with the gift his students gave him for his birthday. If by 'gift,' they mean 'cruel joke.'


I'm not quite sure where this came from...

Disclaimer: I do not own characters in Naruto. Said characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

It was like admitting defeat. All pride that a man had within him could be conquered by a small, tiny bottle. One bottle that would seem to be 'just not a big deal,' but upon closer inspection, it clearly was the epitome of 'giving in.'

One small bottle full of shame-and in custom colors, to boot. It really wasn't fair. After all, shinobi had much more pride than regular civilians… But still.

This was just too mean.

But on second thought, even civilians would be offended at the stupid, little bottle, which was sitting on the table. That's right! Who would possibly welcome this dumb concoction with open arms?

_Uh, that would be the females_.

Kakashi sighed. He was currently sitting in his apartment kitchen and locked with a one-on-one staring match with a bottle of hair dye.

His pupils figured it would be a 'hilariously, practical' gift for his birthday, but Kakashi wasn't feeling it that way.

His three students had taken him out to dinner for his birthday celebration; a restaurant. Naruto had giddily presented a small bag to their teacher, while Sakura blushed. Sasuke had just stayed quiet, pretending to not be included with the gift.

_That really should have been the first sign that it was going to be bad_. But the jounin had waved it off. After all, Sasuke was just as moody as his older brother and Kakashi knew Itachi personally from Anbu. The two brothers seemed to hate everything about social gatherings and denied any relation to them.

(But none the less, Sakura and Naruto had fearlessly conquered their brooding, sulky teammate and brought him to a restaurant, in tow with Kakashi.)

And then he had opened the present, expecting something related to particularly…smutty reasons, but he had a niggling feeling that Sakura wouldn't sign her name on that gift. Ergo, the next practical gift idea would have been weaponry or something like that, but the trio had given that to him last year...

Naruto had been giggling uncontrollably, watching Kakashi wonder what was in the bag. With a final declaration, Kakashi determined it was probably something stupid, like dog food. He braced himself as he reached down into the bag and retrieved the odd gift.

It wasn't a can, so it couldn't be pet food. And it wasn't a book or kunai. Looking down, the Copy-nin realized he was holding a bottle.

Of Men's Hair dye.

Glancing at his students, Kakashi had been struck silent. What a cruel joke this was! He was _born_ with grey hair; it wasn't like he lost the color in his twenties… However, Naruto fell on the floor laughing at the situation and Sasuke curtly excused himself to use the restroom.

Which left Sakura, feeling uncomfortable.

"You see," she tried explaining. "You're only in your thirties, Kakashi. And your hair is in that weird shade of grey stage. Where it's that grey color when your hair starts fading to white… We'd thought to give you a darker grey, to match your eyes. And make you look younger. You know, your age."

Kakashi stared hard at her.

After that, the jounin had drunk a quite a bit to recover from the 'thoughtful' gift, and now here he was.

Sitting on a chair in his kitchen, staring at the formidable bottle of hair dye. It wasn't his fault his hair was silver! So what if it wasn't black? And it sure as hell wasn't white! So what was wrong with the dusty grey color that he harbored? Everyone knew he wasn't old… so where was the problem?

Kakashi felt like lifting up his headband and sending the little bottle into oblivion with the help of the Sharingan he happened to have on his person. Sure, it would leave him tired, but whatever. It'd be totally worth it.

Sighing, the silver-haired man reasoned that the stupid, little bottle was far more tactful an opponent than many in the village. True, Sakura could demolish a building with one hand. He knew Naruto had the Kyuubi sealed inside of him. And bad news came from Sasuke and Itachi and the rest of their clan…

But the irritating Hair Dye was mocking him. Mocking him with that "haha, you fail" look. The damn thing was hurting Kakashi's pride.

And he was willing to bet that Naruto was behind all of this. Curse him, what would he think of next year? Fucking contacts? Kakashi could picture it now, Naruto claiming that "It's weird that you have one eye dark and the other one is flaming red. You should do something about that."

_Yeah, like you should have those stupid whiskers on your face removed, twit_.

Hair Dye. _Hair Dye!_ Honestly! Those kids needed to be taught a lesson. After all, Sakura was the one with _pink_ hair. Did the boys not think she needed to find a less-noticeable shade? Like a nice, chocolate brown or midnight black.

And from there, Kakashi could slip Sasuke some hormone pills. Oh, the fun that would sprout from there! What a hilarious thought, to wonder what would happen when Sasuke realized humans weren't asexual.

Focusing back on target, the jounin settled his gaze on the bane of his existence, which was currently occupying the kitchen table. Unbelieveable. His students thought _this_ was an appropriate birthday present?

No, no, no! He didn't want to look younger! He wanted kunai! He wanted Shuriken! He desired free food._ …Which you get every time you go with your students, because you skip out on the bill._ Oh, that was true.

Anyway, Kakashi did _not_ want Paint for a Man's Head.

Was it so hard to realize that he wanted _porn_ more than anything else? Was that so difficult? It wasn't like it was a well-kept secret. After all, since the kids were twelve and their first meeting as a team, he pulled out the infamous orange book full of smut. _And_ read it right in front of them.

Inappropriate? Yes. Did he care? No.

Either way, the bottle was still staring at him. Kakashi realized this was one match that he knew would be difficult to win. He wasn't going to give up! He really should just stand up, grasp the bottle of dark grey shit, and toss it out the window.

Or give it to Jiraiya. Or sneak some of it in Naruto's shampoo. Something like that.

But no. Somehow, his body refused, rather stubbornly, to get up and take the intiative.

Why on earth did they give this to him? Did the three of them _know_ that it would torment him beyond belief? Ruthless bastards, they were. Next time they had training, he'd show up a day late- not just a few hours. It would serve them right.

It surprised him most that Sakura went along with this plan. Naruto was an idiot, there was not denying that. And Sasuke was smart, a genius, but he rarely spoke his opinions. It was like he just didn't give a shit either way. But Sakura, spoke her mind,_ courteous of the Hokage's influence_, and was very practical in decision making.

She _had_ to have known that men found Hair Dye as an offensive gift. Almost to the extent as Hair Restoration creams. Because making fun of a man's head of hair was equivalent to hitting them below the belt. You just didn't do that.

Women were the ones who were obsessed with their appearances… _They_ were the ones who bought Hair Dye on their own accord. Why? It was because they were determined to prove their youthfulness.

News Flash: Men don't give a shit on what they look like.

Besides, who cared if his hair was grey? Kakashi put on a smirk.

_That's right, you dumb bottle. I may not have a brilliantly colored mane, but I'm still a shinobi_._ And no one can deny that women aren't only interested in my hair_.

The jounin began cackling to himself. It was true, after all. Kakashi certainly had the physique of a ninja, no women could refuse that. And his laid back attitude was a considerable plus. Not to mention, half his face was continuously hidden…

And what woman _wasn't_ curious?

Triumphantly, Kakashi deemed himself better than the Hair dye. With sudden confidence in his appearance, the Copy-nin stood up from the table and grabbed the defenseless bottle. Determining what to do with it, he landed on the idea that Gai's spandex was incredibly too offensive. Yes, mixing the dye with Gai's detergent would certainly… take the edge off of the brilliant green clothing.

With a flash of sterling silver, he jumped out his window and dashed toward his rival's home to prank the laundry detergent. En route, a wicked thought passed through his dust-colored head.

Naruto's birthday was coming up in less than a month and would be in need of a gift; Kakashi would be sure to repay the…favor.

* * *

Well, that was fun, eh?

-Kiwi


End file.
